一诗多译：诗歌取代了一座高山

李世纯

李世纯 发表于 2018-8-17 14:35
For the outlook that would be right,
Where he would be complete in an unexplained completion:
以 ...

For the outlook that would be right,
Where he would be complete in an unexplained completion:
以求一个适合自己，属于自己，理想地表现自己，美不胜收的美好前景（前途）

（ 注意： 时态，would、、、、、多么需要有、、、虚拟语句，语境主人公并未发生的动作）

李世纯

李世纯 发表于 2018-8-17 14:26
How he had recomposed the pines,
Shifted the rocks and picked his way among clouds,

For the outlook that would be right,
Where he would be complete in an unexplained completion:
以求一个适合自己，属于自己，理想地表现自己，美不胜收的美好前景

（ 注意： 时态，would、、、、、多么需要有、、、虚拟语句，语境主人公并未发生的动作）

李世纯

李世纯 发表于 2018-8-17 14:20
It reminded him how he had needed

It=您的诗歌已为业界不屑

How he had recomposed the pines,
Shifted the rocks and picked his way among clouds,

您早该调整重组以往惯用字词章节笔触笔调等诗写套路，重新思考自己的风格特色（ 注意：how he had 、、、、、多么需要有、、、虚拟语句）

李世纯

李世纯 发表于 2018-8-17 14:17
It reminded him how he had needed
A place to go to in his own direction,
您早该有自己的定位，自 ...

It reminded him how he had needed

It=您的诗歌已为业界不屑

李世纯

李世纯 发表于 2018-8-17 14:11
Even when the book lay turned in the dust of his table.
即便当您的诗歌已为业界不屑（注意：不是用  ...

It reminded him how he had needed
A place to go to in his own direction,
您早该有自己的定位，自己的特色（ 注意：how he had needed 多么需要有、、、虚拟语句）

李世纯

李世纯 发表于 2018-8-17 14:03
There it was, word for word,
The poem that took the place of a mountain.

Even when the book lay turned in the dust of his table.
即便当您的诗歌已为业界不屑（注意：不是用 was ，而是 lay turned，暗喻中落过程，）

李世纯

There it was, word for word,
The poem that took the place of a mountain.

He breathed its oxygen,
Even when the book lay turned in the dust of his table.

It reminded him how he had needed
A place to go to in his own direction,

How he had recomposed the pines,
Shifted the rocks and picked his way among clouds,

For the outlook that would be right,
Where he would be complete in an unexplained completion:

The exact rock where his inexactnesses
Would discover, at last, the view toward which they had edged,

Where he could lie and, gazing down at the sea,
Recognize his unique and solitary home.


译者简注：
1. 从第二节看，不应当是“一首诗”，而是指诗歌本身。
2. 二节“它（的氧气）”为好，这里是诗歌与高山的双关指代；当然，首先是诗歌。

3. 诗末的 home 回应第三节的 a place 。六节的“岩石”回应四节的“岩石”，并指向四节诸多的追求努力。
4. 从最后三节看，view 更应该是“视线、视野”，而非“风景、景色”。
5. 全诗简言之：一册诗集摆在那里，显明了一个坚持探寻自我理想之地的诗人经历了多少艰辛，终于抵达自我追求的目标，诗意灵魂的憩息之地。
6. 一诗多译，感谢各位师友的努力，向大家学习，问好。

-----------------------------------

5. 全诗简言之：不是一册诗集摆在那里，而是诗写水平已令同行及读者不屑（ his table.= 在其圈内，群里，诗界）而是诗人在用一位喻体名为诗歌者，阐述手笔平平应反思自省，应不落俗套写出独特风格，写出自我，应变劣势为优势，变缺点为亮点，这样才有可能诗苑出类拔萃，蟾宫折桂。从时态语态看，诗人并未经历了多少艰辛，而是准备经历艰辛，并未！而是有可能，最终抵达自我追求的目标，不是诗意灵魂的憩息之地。而是文笔文采卓越超群。

李世纯

李世纯 发表于 2018-8-16 23:20
诗人就是在讲我国的《为学》抑或《师说》而已

几千年前的something

李世纯

李世纯 发表于 2018-8-16 23:15
诗人的教诲用托物寓意表达，物，不仅是诗人用的形式（诗歌），而且是内容中的拟人阐述（当一位诗歌朋友曾 ...

诗人就是在讲我国的《为学》抑或《师说》而已

李世纯

李世纯 发表于 2018-8-16 22:54
本诗不是指即使诗集都蒙尘受世人冷落，诗人仍旧在具体创作某一/任一诗歌的时候，在诗歌的氧气——内在生 ...

诗人的教诲用托物寓意表达，物，不仅是诗人用的形式（诗歌），而且是内容中的拟人阐述（当一位诗歌朋友曾1 时，不要 2 ，要 3，而后，经过456 等过程，定将7，一个8样的7，9样的7。