《数据库》（2）—— 中外互译 - 败笔警示

李世纯 · 发表于 2018-12-29 20:12

李世纯发表于 2018-12-29 20:06
14.

我能想象的生活

表于 2018-12-29 20:06 | 只看该作者
14.

我能想象的生活

E.E.卡明斯

（翻译：潘学峰）

我想象生活
不值得牺牲，如果
（当）玫瑰抱怨
他们的美丽无效

但是，尽管人类说服
本身每个杂草都是
玫瑰，玫瑰（你确信
）将只会微笑

I shall imagine life

by E. E. Cummings

I shall imagine life
is not worth dying, if （此处 dying = 渴望，想象，期待，盼望，而非“ 牺牲” 云云）
(and when) roses complain
their beauties are in vain

but though mankind persuades
itself that every weed's
a rose, roses (you feel
certain) will only smile

-------------------------------

原作本意：看看，当“ 真善美 ” 不为认可，对人生之美好愿景，玫瑰竟然也行将失望 ... ...

李世纯 · 发表于 2018-12-30 16:27

15.

      她住在人迹罕至的地方

                  威廉•华兹华斯  Willian Wordsworth

                                       吕志鲁译

      点评:

   这是一位大诗人为一位普通苏格兰少女吟唱的挽歌。她就像紫罗兰一般美丽，却被生苔的墓碑遮挡，唯有身影半露；她如同星星那样皎洁，却被高挂夜空，只能孤独地闪闪发亮。荒郊野外，自生自灭，无人牵挂，无人关爱，唯有诗人惜美怜贫，内心一片苦痛凄凉。

   她住在人迹罕至的地方,
         圣洁的小溪在身边流淌,
         没有谁把这少女赞颂,
         少有人为她挂肚牵肠。

   她是紫罗兰身影半露,
         生苔的墓碑将她遮挡;
         美丽如一颗孤星,
         在夜空里闪闪发亮。

   没有谁了解她曾活在世上, （应去掉曾活在）
         少有人知道她何时夭亡;
         露西躺在墓中，啊,
         我的心变得一片苍凉。

   She Dwelt Among the Untrodden Ways

 She dwelt among the untrodden ways
 Beside the springs of Dove,
 A Maid whom there were none to praise
 And very few to love:
 A violet by a mossy stone
 Half hidden from the eye!
─Fair as a star , when only one
 Is shining in the sky.                   （as 并非“ 如同”，而是：如果“ 论/就/对美而言”，唯有她夜中夺目璀璨）

 She lived unknown, and few could know （她活在默默无闻，死在少有人知；可此时此地，她之于我... ... 不比寻常）
When Lucy ceased to be;
 But she is in her grave, and ,oh,
The difference to me!                ( 广义宏观对... ... 有…影响 ; 对… ... 不比寻常；作用于 ... ...；并非具体一时一事“ 变化”）

李世纯 · 发表于 2019-1-1 10:27

16.

墓碑上的“同题诗”

墓碑上也有不断重写的“同题诗”，甚至是类似的句子适当变换着语气和音调。

版本一：

Remember Man as you go by
As you are now so once was I
As I am now so shall you be,
Prepare yourself to follow me

人啊，当你路过请记得
我也曾经像你现在一样活着
你有一天也会像我这样离去
自己做好准备吧，来跟随我

版本二：

Stop traveller and cast an eye,
As you are now so once was I,
Prepare in time make no delay
For youth and time will pass away.

旅者啊请驻足看一眼
我也曾像你一样活
抓紧时间莫要耽搁
青春啊时光它一晃而过

版本三：

Good people dear as you pass by,
On my cold grave do cast an eye
As you are now so once was I,
As I am now so shall you be,
Prepare for death and follow me.

亲爱的人们啊，当你路过
请在我冰冷的墓前注目一瞥
你现在一如我从前一样活
有一天也会像我现在这样
为死亡做好准备再来跟随我

这会让人想到叶芝更为简练的诗句：

Cast a cold eye
On life, on death
Horseman Pass by!

冷眼一瞥
生与死
走马而过

这些墓碑上的诗句启发生者思考死生之事，为了更积极地活。有意思的是带着疑惑的人甚至会在墓碑上留言“回话”：

I won’t be content
Until I know which way you went.

要知道你上了哪条路
我心里才能踏实舒服

也好，悲凉的世间总要有些风一般的趣味飘过。

（注：资料来自网络，诗歌作者不详。）
本主题由 admin 于 2018-4-7 17:24 审核通过

末节稍作修改：

这些有关生死的诗句希望能对人有启发和教育意义，让生者更积极地活。有意思的是带着疑惑的人甚至会在墓碑上留言“回话”：

I won’t be content
Until I know which way you went.

要知道你去了哪条路
我心里才能踏实满足

也好，悲凉的世间总要有些风一般的趣味飘过。

------------------------------------------------------

注释补充：

I won’t be content
Until I know which way you went. （原作本意应是：得见君之路，止我欲之步）

--------------------------

（我们也可以如下理解，或许更容易些）

“ 看看，看见没？你冬雪妈，咋样？知足吧，咱们，还想啥？”

（欢迎译友深入求实）

李世纯 · 发表于 2019-1-1 10:43

李世纯发表于 2019-1-1 10:27
16.

墓碑上的“同题诗”

末节稍作修改：

这些有关生死的诗句希望能对人有启发和教育意义，让生者更积极地活。有意思的是带着疑惑的人甚至会在墓碑上留言“回话”：

I won’t be content
Until I know which way you went.

要知道你去了哪条路
我心里才能踏实满足

也好，悲凉的世间总要有些风一般的趣味飘过。

------------------------------------------------------

注释补充：

I won’t be content
Until I know which way you went. （原作本意应是：得见君之路，止我欲之步）

--------------------------

（我们也可以如下理解，或许更容易些）

“ 看看，看见没？你冬雪妈，咋样？知足吧，咱们，还想啥？”

（原作：I won’t be content Until I know which way you went.并无调侃先人之意，而是在教诲后人不宜过于求全人生）

李世纯 · 发表于 2019-1-7 10:40

泰戈尔：

44. THE world rushes on over the strings
of the lingering heart making the music
of sadness.

45.  HE has made his weapons his gods,
When his weapons win he is de-
feated himself.

46. GOD finds himself by creating.

47. SHADOW, with her veil drawn, follows
Light in secret meekness, with her
silent steps of love.

48. THE stars are not afraid to appear
like fireflies.

49.  I THANK thee that I am none of the
wheels of power but I am one with the
living creatures that are crushed by it.

这里可能有笔误或者印刷错误。较为通顺似乎应当是：

I THANK thee that I am none of the
wheels of power but I am one of the
living creatures that are crushed by them.

我是按照这个修正来翻译的。查郑振铎的翻译，也是这样理解的。

50. THE mind, sharp but not broad,
sticks at every point but does not
move.                                           （盖心智者：坚韧不拔，一丝不苟，锲而不舍）

叶如钢翻译：

44.  心徘徊着，而世界越过奏着悲乐的心弦匆行。

45.
他尊他的刀剑为神。
刀剑胜。他被击败。

46.  神在创造中找到自己。

47.  影戴上面纱，隐藏着她的温顺，以静默的爱步跟随光。

48.  星星不怕象萤火虫般呈现。

49.
神，我感谢您，因为我不是一个权力之轮，
而是被权力之轮碾碎的一个生命。

50  敏锐而不广博，心处处执着，而不灵活。
  （当我们语感译作平淡无奇，特别是面对名人名作之译时，则应反思我们的译作是否有败笔，或一定有败笔；因为译作败笔更多出现在原作诗意主旨亮点妙笔上）

李世纯 · 发表于 2019-1-7 10:48

李世纯发表于 2019-1-7 10:40
泰戈尔：

44. THE world rushes on over the strings

17.

泰戈尔：

44. THE world rushes on over the strings
of the lingering heart making the music
of sadness.

45.  HE has made his weapons his gods,
When his weapons win he is de-
feated himself.

46. GOD finds himself by creating.

47. SHADOW, with her veil drawn, follows
Light in secret meekness, with her
silent steps of love.

48. THE stars are not afraid to appear
like fireflies.

49.  I THANK thee that I am none of the
wheels of power but I am one with the
living creatures that are crushed by it.

这里可能有笔误或者印刷错误。较为通顺似乎应当是：

I THANK thee that I am none of the
wheels of power but I am one of the
living creatures that are crushed by them.

我是按照这个修正来翻译的。查郑振铎的翻译，也是这样理解的。

50. THE mind, sharp but not broad,
sticks at every point but does not
move.                                           （原作本意：盖心智者：坚韧不拔，一丝不苟，锲而不舍）

叶如钢翻译：

44.  心徘徊着，而世界越过奏着悲乐的心弦匆行。

45.
他尊他的刀剑为神。
刀剑胜。他被击败。

46.  神在创造中找到自己。

47.  影戴上面纱，隐藏着她的温顺，以静默的爱步跟随光。

48.  星星不怕象萤火虫般呈现。

49.
神，我感谢您，因为我不是一个权力之轮，
而是被权力之轮碾碎的一个生命。

50  敏锐而不广博，心处处执着，而不灵活。
  （当我们语感译作平淡无奇，特别是面对名人名作之译时，则应反思我们的译作是否有败笔，或一定有败笔；因为译作败笔更多出现在原作诗意主旨亮点妙笔上）

李世纯 · 发表于 2019-1-7 11:35

李世纯发表于 2019-1-7 10:48
17.

泰戈尔：

18.

如何读懂一首诗：初学者指南
   by Pamela Spiro Wagner
            蔡平释译

首先，忘记你所学的一切，
因为诗歌是很难懂的，
因为它不可能被像你这样的人欣赏，
你有相当于高中的学历，
你穿着有钢尖刺的靴子，
你白领阶层错误的理解。

不要以为诗歌的含义对于你是隐含的：
最好的诗歌意味着把想说的说出来。

读诗只需要勇气
还要有足够的敏感
和信任。

将一首诗视为泥土，
就像来自花园里的有丰厚腐殖质、沉甸甸的泥土。
然后才能产出富有营养的番茄
进而才有金色的果实高高地堆积在你的餐桌上。

诗歌需要俯就，
语言表达要真挚，
要使神圣的事物达到返璞归真。

一天只读一首诗。
有朝一日，一本诗集将会摊开在你的手掌里
就像水仙花张开它的花苞
献祭给太阳。

在你能提名出五个诗人时
可以不包括鲍勃•迪伦，
你可以突破这个限额
甚至不必注意，
是否接近这个手册。       ？

祝贺。
你现在就可以读诗歌了。

备注：作者系诗人帕梅拉•斯皮罗•瓦格纳

How to Read a Poem: Beginner's Manual
by Pamela Spiro Wagner

First, forget everything you have learned,
that poetry is difficult,
that it cannot be appreciated by the likes of you,
with your high school equivalency diploma,
your steel-tipped boots,
or your white-collar misunderstandings.

Do not assume meanings hidden from you:
the best poems mean what they say and say it.

To read poetry requires only courage
enough to leap from the edge
and trust.

Treat a poem like dirt,
humus rich and heavy from the garden.
Later it will become the fat tomatoes
and golden squash piled high upon your kitchen table.

Poetry demands surrender,
language saying what is true,
doing holy things to the ordinary.

Read just one poem a day.
Someday a book of poems may open in your hands
like a daffodil offering its cup
to the sun.

When you can name five poets
without including Bob Dylan,
when you exceed your quota
and don't even notice,
close this manual.  （原作本意：而当你可例数的诗人已不可数计“超过该额度”时，你就会随心所欲 “ 不必 ”留意，再翻阅我的这篇《初学者指南》了。）

Congratulations.
You can now read poetry.

李世纯 · 发表于 2019-1-7 11:43

李世纯发表于 2019-1-7 11:35
18.

如何读懂一首诗：初学者指南
   by Pamela Spiro Wagner
            蔡平释译

首先，忘记你所学的一切，
因为诗歌是很难懂的，
因为它不可能被像你这样的人欣赏，
你有相当于高中的学历，
你穿着有钢尖刺的靴子，
你白领阶层错误的理解。

不要以为诗歌的含义对于你是隐含的：
最好的诗歌意味着把想说的说出来。

读诗只需要勇气
还要有足够的敏感
和信任。

将一首诗视为泥土，
就像来自花园里的有丰厚腐殖质、沉甸甸的泥土。
然后才能产出富有营养的番茄
进而才有金色的果实高高地堆积在你的餐桌上。

诗歌需要俯就，
语言表达要真挚，
要使神圣的事物达到返璞归真。

一天只读一首诗。
有朝一日，一本诗集将会摊开在你的手掌里
就像水仙花张开它的花苞
献祭给太阳。

在你能提名出五个诗人时
可以不包括鲍勃•迪伦，
你可以突破这个限额
甚至不必注意，
是否接近这个手册。

祝贺。
你现在就可以读诗歌了。

备注：作者系诗人帕梅拉•斯皮罗•瓦格纳

How to Read a Poem: Beginner's Manual
by Pamela Spiro Wagner

First, forget everything you have learned,
that poetry is difficult,
that it cannot be appreciated by the likes of you,
with your high school equivalency diploma,
your steel-tipped boots,
or your white-collar misunderstandings.

Do not assume meanings hidden from you:
the best poems mean what they say and say it.

To read poetry requires only courage
enough to leap from the edge
and trust.

Treat a poem like dirt,
humus rich and heavy from the garden.
Later it will become the fat tomatoes
and golden squash piled high upon your kitchen table.

Poetry demands surrender,
language saying what is true,
doing holy things to the ordinary.

Read just one poem a day.
Someday a book of poems may open in your hands
like a daffodil offering its cup
to the sun.

When you can name five poets
without including Bob Dylan,
when you exceed your quota
and don't even notice,
closethis manual .                         （原作本意：意指其《指南》）

Congratulations.
You can now read poetry.

李世纯 · 发表于 2019-1-14 13:57

19.

桃花

许剑桐

我出生那一天，桃花开得正艳
我新婚那一夜，桃花开得正艳
我死去那一刻，桃花开得正艳
她们分别是 ——
我的啼哭，落红，和遗言

Peach Blossoms

by Xu Jiantong

The day I was born, it was rich of peach blossoms
The night I got married, it was rich of peach blossoms
The moment I died, it was rich of peach blossoms
They were actually ——
my teardrops, blood stains, and last testament                            ( 1.  chinglish in typical ）

苍蝇和地图

拾荒

一只苍蝇，在地图上，肆无忌惮
一忽儿山东，一忽儿上海。一忽儿河南，一忽儿湖北
手持蝇拍的人，反而无地是从
拍死一只苍蝇很容易。可它死在哪儿
都会留下一堆不易清理的污渍

Fly and The Map

by Shi Huang

A fly, on the map, is recklessly running
from Shandong to Shanghai，and then from Henan to Hubei
The man holding a fly-swatter in his hand has no idea how to go get it
Killing a fly is fairly easy. However stains would remain where it dies
and won't be easy to remove

城镇化

慕容

最后，我们不得不虚构一切
虚构炊烟、田野、老屋、水牛
或者，虚构一堆堆坟土
用以安放，早已无处安放的
乡愁

Urbanisation

by Mu Rong

End of the day, we have to fiction it all
making up cooking smoke, crop fields, old houses and buffalo
or making up hillocks of tomb soils
containing those no-where-to-place
homesicknesses

手艺人

梦之浮桥

骨科医生和木工都是手艺人
一个在身体上敲敲打打
一个在木头上敲敲打打
很明显，木工的技艺更高明
因为，我们从没听到木头喊疼

Craftsmen

by Mengzhi Fuqiao

Orthopedist and carpenter are both craftsmen
One knocks on human bodies, another on woods
apparently the carpenter is more skilful
as we never heard woods screaming in pain

点灯

许蓝翔

我请求地下的小虫子们
啃噬父亲，四十五岁的身体时
要轻些啊，再轻些
不要把他骨头里的灯芯咬断
他还要续命，照亮回家的路

Light a Lamp

by Xu Lanxiang

I beg those little underground bugs
while biting my father, a forty-five year old body
to be soft, and softer please
Not to break the wick in his bones 'cause
he needs it to live on, and light his way back home

脚手架

樊健军

才进城一天，我的农民兄弟就信基督了
他在脚手架上叫喊，“我是耶稣”
旁边的兄弟笑了，“我也是耶稣”
将脚手架砍断，就是一个个独立的十字架
去看望他们的时候，仿佛我就在教堂

Scaffolds

by Fan Jianjun

On first day in town, my farmer brother submitted himself to Christ
He cried out on scaffolds, "I am Jesus".
Another brother beside him laughed, "I am Jesus too".
Cutting off those scaffolds, we would have seen many individual crosses
Every time I went to see them, I felt like visiting a church

（朱峰译）

本主题由 admin 于 2018-5-11 12:19 审核通过
收藏

-----------------------------------------------------------

我出生那一天，桃花开得正艳
我新婚那一夜，桃花开得正艳
我死去那一刻，桃花开得正艳
她们分别是 ——
我的啼哭，落红，和遗言

Peach Blossoms

by Xu Jiantong

The day I was born, it was rich of peach blossoms
The night I got married, it was rich of peach blossoms
The moment I died, it was rich of peach blossoms
They were actually ——
my teardrops, blood stains, and last testament                            ( 1.  chinglish in typical ）

The day I was born, when was rich in peach blossoms
The night I got married, it was rich of peach blossoms
The moment I died, it was rich of peach blossoms
as was
my teardrops, blood stains, and last testament                                        ( pure English )

李世纯 · 发表于 2019-1-14 14:18

李世纯发表于 2019-1-14 13:57
19.

桃花

桃花

许剑桐

我出生那一天，桃花开得正艳
我新婚那一夜，桃花开得正艳
我死去那一刻，桃花开得正艳
她们分别是 ——
我的啼哭，落红，和遗言

Peach Blossoms

by Xu Jiantong

The day I was born, it was rich of peach blossoms
The night I got married, it was rich of peach blossoms
The moment I died, it was rich of peach blossoms
They were actually ——
my teardrops, blood stains, and last testament

苍蝇和地图

拾荒

一只苍蝇，在地图上，肆无忌惮
一忽儿山东，一忽儿上海。一忽儿河南，一忽儿湖北
手持蝇拍的人，反而无地是从
拍死一只苍蝇很容易。可它死在哪儿
都会留下一堆不易清理的污渍

Fly and The Map

by Shi Huang

A fly, on the map, is recklessly running
from Shandong to Shanghai，and then from Henan to Hubei
The man holding a fly-swatter in his hand has no idea how to go get it
Killing a fly is fairly easy. However stains would remain where it dies
and won't be easy to remove

城镇化

慕容

最后，我们不得不虚构一切
虚构炊烟、田野、老屋、水牛
或者，虚构一堆堆坟土
用以安放，早已无处安放的
乡愁

Urbanisation

by Mu Rong

End of the day, we have to fiction it all
making up cooking smoke, crop fields, old houses and buffalo
or making up hillocks of tomb soils
containing those no-where-to-place
homesicknesses

手艺人

梦之浮桥

骨科医生和木工都是手艺人
一个在身体上敲敲打打
一个在木头上敲敲打打
很明显，木工的技艺更高明
因为，我们从没听到木头喊疼

Craftsmen

by Mengzhi Fuqiao

Orthopedist and carpenter are both craftsmen
One knocks on human bodies, another on woods
apparently the carpenter is more skilful
as we never heard woods screaming in pain

点灯

许蓝翔

我请求地下的小虫子们
啃噬父亲，四十五岁的身体时
要轻些啊，再轻些
不要把他骨头里的灯芯咬断
他还要续命，照亮回家的路

Light a Lamp

by Xu Lanxiang

I beg those little underground bugs
while biting my father, a forty-five year old body
to be soft, and softer please
Not to break the wick in his bones 'cause
he needs it to live on, and light his way back home

脚手架

樊健军

才进城一天，我的农民兄弟就信基督了
他在脚手架上叫喊，“我是耶稣”
旁边的兄弟笑了，“我也是耶稣”
将脚手架砍断，就是一个个独立的十字架
去看望他们的时候，仿佛我就在教堂

Scaffolds

by Fan Jianjun

On first day in town, my farmer brother submitted himself to Christ （2. 属于亵译）
He cried out on scaffolds, "I am Jesus".
Another brother beside him laughed, "I am Jesus too".
Cutting off those scaffolds, we would have seen many individual crosses
Every time I went to see them, I felt like visiting a church

（朱峰译）

本主题由 admin 于 2018-5-11 12:19 审核通过
收藏收藏2

分享分享1

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
脚手架

樊健军

才进城一天，我的农民兄弟就信基督了
他在脚手架上叫喊，“我是耶稣”
旁边的兄弟笑了，“我也是耶稣”
将脚手架砍断，就是一个个独立的十字架
去看望他们的时候，仿佛我就在教堂

Scaffolds

by Fan Jianjun

On first day in town, my farmer brother submitted himself to Christ （2. 属于亵译，淡化/抹煞原作亮点）
He cried out on scaffolds, "I am Jesus".
Another brother beside him laughed, "I am Jesus too".
Cutting off those scaffolds, we would have seen many individual crosses
Every time I went to see them, I felt like visiting a church

（朱峰译）

On first day in town, my farmer brother submitted himself to Christ

英美人读不出 “ 才 ... ... 就 ... ...” 之要点要义，中译文是：进城首日... ...，之后 ... ...

英美人日常简单通俗贯用语：heardly, no sooner, just, until 不应无考虑

		自动登录	找回密码
密码			立即注册（欢迎实名或常用笔名注册）

《 数 据 库 》（2）—— 中 外 互 译 - 败 笔 警 示

《数据库》（2）—— 中外互译 - 败笔警示